Tis the season

Tis the season

12.19.11

It’s December 19th. The time of year when everyone is joyful and excited and relaxed.

And I’m spending 90% of my days wishing I was alone so that I could dissolve into tears and have a good cry.

Even though I’ve already had good cry after good cry. I can’t seem to get it out and move on. I’m emotional as all hell – EVERYTHING makes me tear up – and I just can’t find my happy place this holiday season.

What this all boils down to is that I am struggling, REALLY struggling with depression again right now. I wake up every morning feeling like there is absolutely no reason to get out of bed. I drag myself through the day at work in a sort of half-existence… I can laugh and be cheerful to my coworkers but it’s all superficial. I get home, I let Allie out and feed her, and then we go upstairs together, where I toss my work clothes on the floor, put on yoga pants, and crawl under the covers.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

And I haven’t even touched on what impact the holidays this year are having on my family issues. And believe me, it isn’t small.

What’s frustrating for me (in addition to generally feeling like crap) is that usually I can see this coming from a mile away. It sets in slowly and gives me time to realize it, get to the doctor, make an appointment with my therapist, figure it all out.

This time, it feels like I was driving down a residential street, admiring the houses and the pretty gardens and suddenly I slammed into a concrete wall, broke both my legs, shattered a knee and punctured a lung. Just for good measure.

I was FINE as little as two weeks ago. And now I’m not.

And I wasn’t even texting at the wheel.

The aftermath of this accident is terrible. In addition to the regular symptoms of depression (the incessant crying, the desire to pull the covers over my head and stay there day and night) I am also experiencing some anxiety and panic. Which has happened to me before but not recently so it’s annoying.

And it’s Christmas, so the earliest I can get in to see my doctor is January 12th.

And my therapist has left the non-profit organization she used to work for (where the fees were determined on a sliding scale based on income) and is practicing privately (where the fee is $90/hour), and I have no coverage for it.

It’s a terrific time of year. I’ve never had any trouble finding the magic. I love Christmas. But it’s six days away and I’m kind of dreading it. And that makes me pretty damn sad.