Making a choice

12.24.11

So, for a while I think I almost forgot I even had a blog.

I can’t even describe to you what the last four months have been like. I have been run off my feet since September and still have yet to be able to do anything that remotely resembles relaxing.

To say I’ve been busy would be an understatement of epic proportions. To say my life has changed would be equally so. It’s been a few short months but I come to you today quite a different person than I was before I took my unplanned break from blogging.

I think that’s actually part of the reason I hadn’t posted anything real in a long time. Well that and the fact that when I haven’t been working I’ve been sleeping or lying practically catatonic in my bed watching mindless television. I’ve wanted to write about these changes in my life but I have almost felt guilty for not being anymore the person I once claimed to be.

This all sounds very dramatic and honestly for me, it has been.

Is the new me a worse me? Not in the least. I’m probably a better version of myself than I’ve ever been, and I think I can only look forward to positive changes still to come. Except for the past few weeks where I’ve been feeling so blue, I’m happier and more peaceful. I have a renewed outlook on life in a lot of ways. I definitely have a whole new way of thinking.

It’s just that this new way of thinking will probably affect the things I blog about at least to some extent and for that I almost feel somewhat bad that this won’t be exactly the same blog it always has been. Not that I have a huge following of people who are expecting one thing and will be given another; it’s really more that this is a huge change for me and will take some getting used to even for me.

And then there’s the issue of family. I’ve written before about how I asked my mother several years ago to stop reading this blog because she couldn’t help but lecture me about the things I wrote. She hasn’t said anything since but I’ve always been fairly certain she does read anyway, at least from time to time. And even though this “new me” is a good me, she may not see it that way and at the very least she would have something (or many things) to say about it.

But that can’t stop me from living my truth, right?

So here’s the thing, internet. While I was gone, I found God.

I’ll wait while you pick your jaws up off the floor.

Yeah, seriously. Me. The girl who never had a belief system, who swore God wasn’t real, who scoffed at the idea of a relationship with Him.

Now, it may not come as a complete shock to some of you of you read this post. It’s still a bit surprising, I know. It’s surprising to me how OKAY I feel with it all. It’s a big change in my easy of thinking.

Here is what this change does NOT mean for my life:

- I don’t have it all figured out.
- I don’t have my beliefs neatly squared away.
- I haven’t reconciled all my big ideas about the world with this newfound faith.
- I haven’t given up all notion of independent thought.
- I am not perfect.
- I have no expectation for anyone in my life to take the leap I have.
- I have not subscribed to a doctrine of hate and judgment.
- I still find very inappropriate things very funny (see three above).
- I have not been brainwashed.
- I haven’t dismissed everything I previously believed.

Here is what this change DOES mean for my life:

- I have chosen to believe.
- I have found a community I have been searching for for 15 years.
- I am more peaceful.
- I have a renewed sense of purpose.
- I am happier and more hopeful.
- I have had a huge shift in the way I think and view the world.
- I am more focused.
- I have discovered I have gifts I didn’t know I had.
- I feel encouraged to become a better version of myself.
- Where I once used to give myself pep talks and reassure myself that I could do something, I now pray and ask God to give me strength and confidence. (Have to tell you, it’s way more effective.)

They key words are CHOICE and BELIEF. Do I know for sure that God is real? Nope. I’ve chosen to believe. Isn’t that why it’s called faith?

As I struggled this past year with my beliefs, one of the things that I was most stuck on was the notion that I needed to have every.little.thing figured out before I made a decision about whether or not I would (or even could) believe.

And then somewhere along the journey I realized that it is just that: a journey. It’s life long learning. I realized I didn’t have to have it all figured out ahead of time, and like anything else, my thought process will evolve over time. And I decided that if I at least got to the point where I believed, that was far enough to make my decision. After taking about it with my coworker who has guided me through this whole process, I decided that Jesus probably didn’t care HOW I came to him, he just cared THAT I came to him. If I got that far, the rest would come in time.

So there I was, the night of Saturday, October 15th, lying in bed reading (the bible of all things) while The Accountant was watching TV downstairs. I had been feeling restless all day and couldn’t figure out why. And then suddenly I knew. Suddenly I had an overwhelming urge to speak to Jesus and ask him into my heart.

So I did the only thing I could have at that moment.

I got out of bed, knelt on the floor and prayed to Him, opened my heart, and invited Him in.

And my life changed forever.

The church we attend is a really wonderful Christian church full of incredibly warm and welcoming people. Their mission statement is, “helping people to find and follow Jesus.” They did just that for me, and on the recent 33rd anniversary of the church they asked if I’d be willing to film a video testimonial about my experience and my journey. I was thrilled to do so, and on a Saturday in November I sat down and spoke to a camera for about 25 minutes. I told them everything, from my upbringing, to my dad’s death, which I feel prompted this journey at least in part, to my finding Christ and what my life is like now, and the end result was a 7-minute video that was played in church for the congregation.

I felt the need to tell you all this story before Christmas. Obviously this holiday season has a very different meaning for me than any previous ones. Today on the eve of Jesus’ birth, I wanted to come here and tell you why and how I am a different person than I was a year ago. It’s because of Him.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, from my little corner of the internet.